What It’s Like When All Your Friends Are Married


I feel like .00008% of the time, I actually believe my coupled friends are jealous that I’m single. “We haven’t been on a date in such a long time!” they squeal; “We love living vicariously through you, Joan.”

WEDDED BLISS! (Image Source: Flickr, kumon)

The rest of the time I’m almost CERTAIN they’re inviting each other to unnecessarily elaborate dinner parties FOR COUPLES ONLY, where they all cluck their tongues sadly and talk about how pathetic it is that I’m their only friend who’s still single, and then they all laugh about how great it is to be married.

Consider, if you will, the following dialogue. Granted, it is a work of imaginative assumptions, as I would never be invited to one of these delightful soirees. I do believe, however, that the details are NOT OUTSIDE OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.


Muffy & Reginald
Sondra & Lucien
[The couples are listed together because marriage utterly obliterates the existence of individual agency]

Muffy: “We would just love it if Joan were here but she’s simply so woefully bad at dating! The only thing worse is her backhand!”

[She gesticulates wildly, as if playing tennis, and slops red wine down the front of her bespoke robin’s-egg-blue dress; everyone laughs in perfect unison]

Lucien: “Oh, of course, Muffy! If only we could set her up with someone we know! But we only know each other, after all!”

[Lucien knowingly pats Muffy on the shoulder; his hand lingers a little longer than it should]

Try the béchamel...
Try the béchamel… (Image Source: Flickr, jbtaylor)

Reginald: “And we’re all taken, so we can’t set her up with one of us, eh Lucien?”

[Muffy sweeps her wine-stained dress off over her head because there is no use for soiled clothing in this world]

Sondra: “Heaven help us, but it’s true! What type of dullard would prefer to be the chair umpire in couples tennis?”

[Everyone laughs in perfect unison; Sondra grabs Reginald’s thigh with one hand and loosens his necktie with the other]

Muffy: “Oh, but we can’t invite her to dinner, either, because she would feel left out.”

[Each party tosses a key into an empty gravy boat in preparation for their monthly swap]

Reginald: “But she’s being left out no matter what, Muff. By not being here, and by not being…”

[Sondra dips her finger into the béchamel and rubs it seductively over her lips as she gazes longingly at Muffy]

Muffy: “…not being part of a wonderful happy couple like us?”

[Everyone laughs in perfect unison; Lucien unbuckles his belt and lowers his fly]

Reginald: “Yes! I love how we finish each other’s sentences, Muffy! No, she would have nobody to bring along, so why bother inviting her? These evenings are about being part of a couple. If you aren’t in a couple, you simply can’t play!”

[Reginald sends the Cornish game hens flying to the floor with a backstroke of the arm, immediately proceeding to vigorous copulation on the lace tablecloth]

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