Word is out that a Ghostbusters reboot will star Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon and Melissa McCarthy, and much to everyone’s non-surprise more than a few dudes seem angry that the “crossing the streams” bit might be revisited by actors who don’t pee standing up. Well we here at House of Gilda regret are thrilled to announce that we made some arrangements with Zuul, and you all actually live in an alternate universe now! This is a universe where ALL reboots feature gender reversal, a magical land where we all just accept that when you make up stuff – you know, like the events or characters in a science fiction comedy film – you can re-make it up however you want!
To help acquaint you with your exciting new home, we dug up some New-Universe casting news for your perusal:
Back To The Future, Christmas 2015:
The rumors are true – songstress Taylor Swift, America’s most beloved tiny person, will be returning to the big screen as Marty McFly, the skateboarding, smart mouthed teenager with big dreams for herself and her sad sack family. Disney’s reboot of the 1985 sci-fi classic will start in the modern day, but with the help of a brilliant but misunderstood scientist (Meryl Streep), McFly will travel back to 1989, where her sexually aggressive teenaged father (James Franco) will try to seduce her. Studio execs were pleased that the character names “Marty” and “Doc” were gender neutral enough to not even have to be changed, and also pleased that Chris Pratt agreed to join the team as McFly’s present day boyfriend.
Die Hard, summer 2016:
The Die Hard franchise has been lumbering through sequels for decades, so studio execs are ready to abandon the sequel model in favor of a total reboot. Word has it space trucking, alien slaughtering, ghost eluding, gate keeping badass Sigourney Weaver will be assuming the lead spot as the exhausted NYPD detective who has flown all the way to Los Angeles and just wants to spend a nice fucking Christmas with her self absorbed, career obsessed husband and their young son, only to find herself forced to employ all of her badassery to fight off the terrorists who have crashed her husband’s office Christmas party. The role of the original Ghostbusters star’s husband will likely be snagged by master high pitched squealer Tim Roth, while sources tell us the terrorists (all of them) will be played by Chris Pratt.
Goodwill Hunting, winter 2015:
Castlerock Entertainment is expanding the often action/adventure based reboot market to include Oscar-winning dramas, launching the initiative with a remake of the 1997 Gus Van Sant classic Goodwill Hunting. Much of the casting has not been confirmed, but our sources tell us Lupita Nyong’o is a favorite to play the lead: a self taught mathematical genius whose problem solving abilities and photographic memory are noticed and ultimately celebrated in spite of her personal demons and modest background. We hear Minnie Driver will be returning to the cast, but this time as a supportive instructor from Bunker Hill Community College who uses common interests and fart jokes to make strong interpersonal connections. The role of the bourgeois, out of touch pre-med love interest previously played by Driver will be played by Chris Pratt.
Indiana Jones, fall, 2016:
Parks and Recreation veteran Rashida Jones has signed on to play the iconic role of Dr. Jones (no relation) in a reboot of the George Lucas/Steven Spielberg franchise. When asked how he felt yielding one of his most celebrated roles to a woman, Harrison Ford asked if we’d seen that music video about Shia LaBeouf being a cannibal, and if we had any idea how close it is to the truth and how close we’d all come to a serious international disaster. When Chris Pratt was asked how he felt after being passed over for the role for which he’d been named a favorite, Pratt confessed he had never actually been discussed and that was just a weird Twitter rumor likely fueled by a blend of Jurassic Park enthusiasm and Parks and Recreation final season despair, though he appreciates that you want to see him in every single movie all of the time.