Mimosa-Soaked Recommendations for CyberMonday Shopping

House of Gilda recommends mimosas. That should be obvious. Combine mimosas and shopping online? Now we’re hitting the sweet spot.

This Cyber Monday, a few House writers got their drink on, then offered their recommendations for holiday/solstice/whatever gifts at your finer online/small business/retailers.


Your Drunk Aunt Carol
Aunt Carol Burnit

YOUR DRUNK AUNT CAROL BURNIT RECOMMENDS:

Vernissage Wine Purse at VernissageWine.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“Look its’ a  perse you can carry but it got wine ini t ,too!

Trick or trea you know trick. or.tret.”


Betty Crackpot
Betty Crackpot

BETTY CRACKPOT RECOMMENDS:

Electric Flyswatter at ElectricFlySwatter.net

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“You can swat your flies, your partner and your kids!

Don’t forget your bitchfuck neighbor, too! Use with alcohol for best results.”


Ghost of Simone De Booyah
Simone De Booyah

SIMONE DE BOOYAH RECOMMENDS

I Am Not Your Doormat Doormat at Houzz.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“Because women are not!  But.  But this *is* a doormat.  So, irony….Or, no, the opposite of irony.  Plus Magritte. Plus literalism minus free choice for the doormat as an individual. Plus, err, plus….FUCK THIS I AM NOT YOUR DOORMAT GET ME A MIMOSA.”


Venn Diaphragm
Venn Diaphragm

VENN DIAPHRAGM RECOMMENDS

Fart Machine at ShopGadgetsAndGizmos.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“A wonderful gift for the whole family. Wireless remote works up to 100 feet so you can hide the speaker portion and surprise someone you love/hate. Use it in the office, at the grocery store, the dog park, the possibilities are endless! Keep it in your purse for parties. Guaranteed you’ll win ‘Weirdest Purse’ contests at shitty baby showers. Available for purchase in volume quantity.”


Elizabeth the Worst
Elizabeth the Worst

ELIZABETH THE WORST RECOMMENDS:

Sts Maximus and Prosperus personal relaxation items (2PCS) at Fluminails.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“Simony never got you so close to heaven before (if you care about either of those things).

Fits in your purse. Always ready, to the max.”


Shout Finch
Shout Finch

SHOUT FINCH RECOMMENDS

Bull Scrotum Purse at Etsy.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“This taxidermist retailer warns that the white fur sacs pictured are not the exact item you will receive, as all items are ‘professionally-tanned’ and ‘unique in overall shape.’ You can expect your personal Bull Scrotum Purse to have ‘varying degrees of hairiness’ and ‘scratches and scaring’ owing to the ‘hard life of being a bull.’ Further, these sacs are ‘asymmetrical,’ with ‘one side hanging lower than the other.’

Most importantly, you can rest assured you’ve found the ‘perfect’ ‘holiday’ ‘gift’ when so many ‘phrases’ from an ‘Etsy vendor’ are ‘quote worthy.'”


Jaime Lodeur
Jaime Lodeur

JAIME LODEUR RECOMMENDS

Slip-On Shoe Things, as seen @b0ringTweets

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“If you dont stop bothering me, I will shop Twitter.com/b0ringTweeter for all the stupid presents this year. So help me, I will. Fuck your marketing holidays, and bring me the pitcher of mimosa. Waffle fries would also be good rn. ktxbai”


Gypsy Roseleavemethefuckalone
Gypsy Rose leavemethefuckalone

GYPSY ROSELEAVEMETHEFUCKALONE RECOMMENDS

Socks! at SockItToMe.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“There is nothing better better than Ninja socks to say you give no fucks as presents for the holidays.

Nothing.”


Joan of Snark
Joan of Snark

JOAN OF SNARK RECOMMENDS

Anova Sous Vide Immersion Circulator from Anovaculinary.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“If the English had shoved THIS up my fleur-de-lis to burn me to death, I probably would’ve welcomed it!  Some details: 3.5” of insertion capacity; wet sensors for safety; quiet motor; heats up to 99º C. One reviewer calls it ‘solid as a rock’ and ‘a really tight feeling piece of hardware.’

This gadget boasts ‘a 360° directional pump for maximum circulation’—I don’t know about you, ladies, but 360 degrees of undivided pumping attention most definitely warms my insides to a moist juiciness.”


Jacqueline Kennedy O'Nasty
Jacqueline Kennedy O’Nasty

JACQUELINE KENNEDY O’NASTY RECOMMENDS

Family Christmas Pajamas PJs from Etsy.com

MIMOSA THOUGHTS ON ITEM:

“Pajamas are PJs, making your title as redundant as your product is hideous.  Why would you do that to your poor family?  Why?”
Image Credit: Wikipedia

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