How To Be a MOTHERFUCKING LADY: Holiday Edition

Sure, absconding to an island for Christmas is always an option.  For the Chosen People among us, Chinese delivery and Netflix is an appealing way of passing the day.  Fans of snowsports could head to some fabulous ski resort, where “White Christmas” will be the MO.  But typically, if one does not want to be alone for the holidays, one must spend at least part of that week between Christmas and New Years with one’s family.

It is only natural to have a love-hate relationship with your relatives.  Your parents gave you life, but their addiction to Fox News makes you want to die.  Your sister is your best friend, but her new boyfriend is the dullest person you’ve ever met.  Your brother’s kids are brats.  Your grandfather has become handsy with the nurses in his home.  Your grandmother is vaguely racist.

Sometimes it seems like there’s not enough eggnog in the world.

But have no fear!  You can get through this.  All you have to do is be a MOTHERFUCKING LADY.

The Awkward Dinner Conversations

First things first: while a lady in the traditional sense might sit and be politely silent while those around her voice ill-informed or hateful political opinions, a MOTHERFUCKING LADY has two options.  Novice MOTHERFUCKING LADIES can try to steer the conversation in a safer or more comfortable direction.  Come armed with jokes, news stories about animals (I strongly recommend this one), or non-controversial opinions about things like how Michael Bay should never be allowed to make a film again.  Bring board games or movies.  Deflect, deflect, deflect!

Advanced MOTHERFUCKING LADIES may instead choose to tackle the problem head-on, in the most MOTHERFUCKING LADYLIKE way possible.  Do not shout.  Do not get mean.  Those things will only be turned against you.  Instead address the issue or issues being discussed with grace, civility, and knowledge.  Above all, bring facts to the discussion.  You might not change anyone’s minds, but at least you’ve used yours.

The Invasive Personal Questions

MOTHERFUCKING LADIES will likely also have to endure well-meaning but invasive lines of questioning about their partners/spouses/children, or plans for them.  Tempting though it might be to make a drinking game out of this—do a shot every time your mom mentions how much she’s looking forward to being a grandmother!—MOTHERFUCKING LADIES should avoid escaping and instead confront these questions head-on.

That isn’t to say that you should feel obligated to answer.  Instead, you should educate these nosy relatives on one key point: IT’S NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS.  Keep your voice level and modulate your volume, lest your father call you shrill and hysterical.  But make it clear that what you do with your body, or whom you decide can have intimate access to it, is up for you to decide.  And while you appreciate your family’s wishes that you not die alone and childless, you can remind them that women are marrying and having children later than ever before.  You’ve got plenty of time, if these things are even in your sights.  And if they’re not, well, then it’s really nobody’s business anyway, is it?

The Terrible Food

Your parents’ next-door neighbor’s first cousin’s aunt makes shows up for Christmas brunch every year with a burned pumpkin pie.  Burned.  It tastes like charcoal, and is probably just as bad for your lungs.  A lady politely eats it anyway.  A MOTHERFUCKING LADY calls her parents’ neighbor’s cousin’s aunt a few days ahead and says, this year we just want you to relax and enjoy the holidays.  You don’t have to insult the pie, or the baker, but this way you don’t have to eat it, either.

Advanced MOTHERFUCKING LADY technique: Instead of insisting guests relax, insist on a fully-curated meal, and tell your guests that you ask they not bring foodstuffs this year—beverages, however, are welcome.  This will mean you have to do a lot more work planning and executing your menu, because if everyone shows up and it’s still the same-old…well, your guests might be terrible cooks, but they’re not dumb.  Have your Pan-Asian or Moroccan or Latvian or Peruvian menu.  Rock that shit.  And make a thematically appropriate dessert to complement.

The Booze

Above all, do not use alcohol as a crutch this holiday season.  Sure, a few drinks can help you get through some of the worst of it, and might even bolster your courage when it comes to the above … but the fastest thing that will turn a MOTHERFUCKING LADY into a MOTHERFUCKING MESS is one too many hot toddies.  Drink!  Get drunk!  But know your limits.  If you feel like punching Uncle Billy for bringing up Obama’s birth certificate, instead of just showing him a copy of the document on your phone, it’s time to lay off the sauce.

Happiest of holidays—whichever ones you celebrate—all you MOTHERFUCKING LADIES!

Image Source: Flickr

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