Remember when Oprah made thyroids popular? Never one to miss a trend, I was diagnosed around seven years ago with Hypothyroid and later, Hashimoto’s—an autoimmune disease that basically means your body attacks your thyroid just because.
About two years ago, the cycle of exhaustion, brain fog, weight gain and a host of other fun symptoms that seemed to present themselves all at once caused me to dig deep with my health care providers to find some relief.
I’ve been given tons of literature and gobs of advice along with a healthy dose of Levothyroxine. Maybe you’re like me—and if you are, then when advice is handed to you by your physician you smile and nod and agree to implement his/her suggestions in a prompt and disciplined fashion. Dearest Readers, I’ve pulled out all the literature from recent appointments to see if I can scrape together a little plan under my roof and it has resulted in EATING LIKE AN ASSHOLE. Here is a little breakdown of all the advice lined up –accompanied, of course, by my commentary.
BETTY CRACKPOT’S THYROID HEALTH PLAN AS OUTLINED BY PROFESSIONALS
(With comments and suggestion by Betty. Duh.)
- Remove gluten from your diet as it can do something having to do with Celiac’s that somehow does something
not good to your thyroid.
- Remove gluten sounds simple, like remove dust, or trash. This, however, my lovelies is a misnomer. Removing gluten is literally like removing every crumb of joy from your diet that you didn’t know you had until you caved and bought gluten free pasta, or watched your loved ones devour donuts and lick their fingers like fucking fuckers in front of you.
- Increase fiber intake and eat a plant based diet.
- Have you ever tried dandelion greens? Did you think they would be dandy? If not, let Betty advise you. Find them. Find all the dandelion greens touted to be good for your liver, blah-blah-blah. Then, place them on your driveway or the nearest street. Run them over. Repeat. They might taste better.
- Drink only pure water, or herbal tea. Refrain from coffee.
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
- Consume sugars from fruit; avoid processed sugars.
- Ummm, but what about the holidays? WHAT ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY CAKE. I don’t know, dear readers, but I think that lemon cake is the best and it is a far cry from actual lemons and so let’s not be too hasty.
- If you must consume meat, be sure that you purchase free-range, antibiotic-free, pesticide-free chickens and stuff. Also, remember many greens have protein as do legumes.
- It might cheaper to go out and kill your cow. Also, pinto beans vs. steak. I’m not good at math, dear readers—but, really. Do the math. (Steak wins.)
Your Betty received three different pamphlets regarding exercise. Here is the summation of the recommendations:
- Exercise rigorously 3-5x per week.
- Exercise daily. Alternate strength exercises with cardio workouts.
- Avoid strenuous exercise.
- Practice yoga or a gentle form of exercise.
- Cleaning your house, having sex and dancing counts toward your exercise goals.
- You need to move beyond your regular activity levels in order to truly exercise.
As you can see, Dearest Readers, based on this advice, I don’t have to exercise at all because the advice negates itself. C’mon now! You know your Betty is only teasing! Exercise and diet are very important when you’re trying to function in the world like a goddamn grown up. Speaking of which, I’m going to go eat some kashi and have some sex with Mr. Crackpot.
Be good and eat well—even if it means you’re an asshole like me.
Yours Till the Timer Dings,
Please send updates about your adventures of Eating Like an Asshole to:
firstname.lastname@example.org Attention: Betty Crackpot.
Also, be on the lookout for my next installment: Eating Like an Asshole: I Found My Millet in the Bird Food Aisle