Live Better with Dadvertising

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I’m a sucker for happy dudes. Who isn’t? Most happy dudes aren’t dolling out rape threats on Twitter, beating queer folk within an inch of their lives or emotionally terrorizing their own spouses and children. Happy dudes are safe. And, as many Super Bowl ads reminded you, not being safe is the fucking worst.  But safe – safe is great! It’s WAY better than hoping a 911 operator knows you don’t actually want a pizza. So let’s hear it for happy dudes, around whom we can feel safe!

The only thing better/safer than happy dudes are happy dads. Seeing happy dads holding happy kids always makes me feel the nicest, safest feelings. Happy dads are committed to the well-being of a tiny human who will be around for a long time, presumably increasing the population of happy, safe dudes around for a long time instead of a scary, unhappy ones.

So when I see this tableaux of happy, I wonder what these happy dads have in their happy homes that I don’t have. What secret household product are they using that precludes them from the suffering, indifference, boredom, and the other unpleasant realities of even non-abusive family life? Is it a kind of cereal? A hair gel? A particular flavor of Doritos? I can’t stand not knowing! I WISH SOMEONE WOULD JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT PRODUCTS I SHOULD BE LINING MY NEST WITH SO MY NEST WILL BE BLISSFUL AND NOT DANGEROUS LIKE THE HOMES IN THE SCARY COMMERCIALS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Fortunately, when Super Bowl XLIX advertisers weren’t reminding us that unhappy dudes can really fuck us up, they were there to tell us exactly what products would ensure dudes’ happiness and by extension our safety. Not products that would ensure men are attracted to us – we were starting to see through that old trick – but the random products that will guarantee dudes’ commitment to and enjoyment of family life. So you can be damn sure we’ll be using Dove shampoo in our house even though no shampoo has anything to do with fatherhood, and buying a Nissan even though we’re not in the market for a car, and, most crucially, NOT using Nationwide Insurance because dead kids = sad dads, and there is no room in my heart for sad dads, Nationwide!

Dadvertising isn’t for every market, though. Maybe scary, unhappy dads aren’t a thing you’re specifically afraid of, and you’re just kind of afraid of people’s capacity for cruelty in general. Maybe you find yourself ignoring Dadvertising and wishing there was a product out there that would cure humans of their eagerness to psychologically torture other humans into self harm. Don’t worry – Dadvertising might not be there to put you at ease, but Coke’s totally got you covered.

Image Credit: Imgion

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