1) Admit You Are Powerless
Your hair is an extension of your own body. Your body is a meaningless bio-accident over which you struggle to maintain control but ultimately cannot – what makes you think you have any control where its protein outgrowths are concerned? You do not, and your journey toward being satisfied with a self-given hair cut begins with accepting that. Repeat the following until you firmly believe it, then proceed to Step Two:
I do not have control over my own hair. My hair is a force more powerful than I could ever imagine. Were my hair a demon from the very bowels of hell, it could not be more powerful. As it is, it is a demon sprouting from the bowels of my scalp, a part of the declining bio-accident that is me, and I accept that all styling apparatuses and I are powerless against its demonic will. But I’m going to cut it myself anyway.
2) Come To Believe A Power Greater Than Yourself Can Restore You To Sanity
This Greater Power comes in the form of your scissors. You want scissors that are sharp enough to cut your hair cleanly, but not so sharp that you’ll hurt yourself if you’re not able to focus on your hair and your skin at the same time. Do not go out to buy new, task appropriate scissors – this will give you too much time to think about what you’re about to do, and thinking about it is a way of trying to control it. If you go out for scissors, you have already failed. The scissors you use to cut gift wrap and destroy credit cards will do fine.
3) Make A Decision To Turn Yourself Over To This Power
Look at the scissors. They are your guide through the demonic spirit world that is your own hair. They are your Virgil. They are your God. They will get you through. Yield to them.
4) Make A Searching And Fearless Inventory Of Yourself
No, you will not look like Alexa Chung when you’re done.
5) Admit To God, Yourself, And Another Human Being The Exact Nature Of Your Wrongs
Including another human being is optional. In fact, I discourage it. This is between you and The Scissors.
6) Be Ready For God Remove Your Defects Of Character
BEGONE, SPLIT ENDS! BEGONE, FRINGE IN MY EYES! BEGONE, IDENTIFIABLE HAIR STYLE!
7) Humbly Ask Him To Remove Your Short Comings
begone, split ends. begone, fringe in my eyes. begone, identifiable hair style.
8) Make A List Of All Persons You Have Harmed And Prepare To Make Amends
This list might include your parents, your significant other, or anyone who has swiped right on your Tinder.
9) Make Direct Amends To Such People Wherever Possible Except When To Do So Would Injure Them Or Others
If you have a regular stylist you’ve decided not to see in this instance for whatever reason, delete his number from your phone and resolve to never see or contact him again. You especially cannot ask him to address this self-cut directly. He will find it all too painful.
10) Continue To Take Personal Inventory, And Promptly Admit When Your Wrong
Did you let your fringe grow into your eyes again? It’s okay. Just admit they need a trim and go back to The Scissors. All will be well as long as you address the issue before your eyes are trapped behind a solid, unyielding wall of demonic outgrowth.
11) Seek Through Prayer And Meditation To Improve Your Conscious Contact With God, Praying For Knowledge Of His Will For Us And The Power To Carry Out That Will
Look at The Scissors. Look at disembodied demon hair gathered around sink. Look into mirror. Look back at The Scissors. Soundlessly repeat cycle for tens of minutes.
12) Having Had A Spiritual Awakening As A Result Of These Steps, Try To Carry This Message And These Principles To Others
Tell all your friends you cut hair now. Insist they trust the task to you. Conquer or at least cripple multiple demon-scapes. Emerge the hero.