How To Comfort Your Friend In New York Who Seems Vaguely Disappointed That He Did Not Actually Experience A Natural Disaster

1) Point out that Boston did get hit with feet of snow. Chuckle together. Fucking Boston.

2) Do not point out that in addition to much of Maine, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and the rest of Massachusetts, many parts of the state of New York, including much of Long Island, also got hit with significant to disastrous volumes of snow and dangerously high winds. To do so would make your New York friend feel inadequate and challenged. This will put your New York friend on the defensive, and your New York friend is dangerous when on the defensive. Picture a frightened, cornered badger who is not going down without taking a piece of his captor with him.

3) Tell your New York friend not to worry, winter isn’t over. Remember last year? A blizzard, like, every fucking week. One Snowmageddon after another. Your New York friend will eventually suffer the inconvenience he’s hoping for if he just stays optimistic and patient.

4) Suggest your New York friend stockpile and oven dry a surplus of kale during the spells of rest between Snowmageddons, and then sell to people in his building when the Big One actually does hit. You are kidding but your New York friend says he’s already explored this business model, and he can’t see a way of profiting from it as long as people have the option of not eating kale. If only he could figure out a way to trick people into thinking they must eat kale to survive a storm. Try to change the subject.

5) Get the conversation back on track by asking your New York friend what park he is planning on sledding in. Give him several minutes to pretend sledding is fun. You know it isn’t and your New York friend knows it isn’t, but he has to survive in his community somehow, and sounding natural when he claims he enjoys sledding is a crucial aspect of this survival, as crucial as any mating dance among tropical birds. Letting him rehearse his sledding enthusiasm with you is the most generous thing you can do for him during this difficult time.

6) Remind your New York friend that natural disasters can actually suck. Use as an example that summer a few years ago when you were evacuated in three separate incidents resulting, respectively, from earthquake, mud slide, and forest fire. Without dropping a number, mention how expensive it is just to be evacuated. Turn the conversation over to your New York friend, and allow plenty of time for him to talk about the dinner party he hosted for friends who lived in DUMBO and Red Hook when they had to evacuate their apartments during Sandy. Let him go over the menu and dissect some of the social complexities that plagued the warm, domestic nature of the evening.

7) Make clear you agree (even if you don’t) that if we can put humans in space, we should be able to predict enormous and swiftly evolving weather events with pin-point accuracy. Refrain from pointing out that meteorology is basically the closest humans have come to actually predicting the future. Refrain from clarifying the definition of the word, “prediction,” as in, “weather prediction.”

8) Do not, under any circumstances, suggest your New York friend consider moving to Los Angeles, even though you are wearing sandals, sitting on your balcony, and smoking legal weed you bought at an actual store.

9) Do suggest day drinking. Oh, who are you kidding – your New York friend has been drinking since 8:00 am.

10) Do agree he’d better go when he tells you he’s got another call – everyone is off work today, he explains, because De Blasio preemptively shut down the city, so he guesses the whole crew will be using the free day to meet up, or whatever. Wish him a safe sledding experience. Do not wonder what he means when he says, “You too!” before hanging up. Shrug, and go back to drying your Earthquake/Forest Fire/Mudslide/Maybe Even A Tsunami Kale Stockpile. You’ll never be disappointed if there is no disaster, but you will prepared if there is. By god, you will be prepared.

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