Bluffin’ With My Muffin

Get behind me, Satan!

In the building where I work, there is a refrigerated vending machine that houses sandwiches, small bottles of milk, and—most importantly for you, dear reader—muffins.

Among the most nefarious of these baked concoctions: the chocolate muffin.

Get behind me, Satan!
Get behind me, Satan! (Image Source: BrokenSphere / Wikimedia Commons)

As a canonized virgin martyr, I don’t think it’s bragging to say that I’ve avoided most all sins of the flesh, and yet I do often enjoy a chocolate muffin as a mid-day snack.

How tempting! How delicious! How shameful!

I understand that these goodies have more calories per serving than any food item (other than sugar, butter, or that dirty little cruelty, foie gras) should reasonably contain. But dare I suggest that the chocolate muffin is the finest of all muffins?

Non, mes amis!

Muffins should not have chocolate chips.

Cookies may, as occasionally may other dessert confections, but muffins?

Now I may be an arrogant French prude, but I’ve always associated muffins with something slightly (I said *slightly*) sweeter than the average baguette. The muffin may contain corn, bran, blueberries, pieces of apple with cinnamon…indeed, any number of combinations that list dangerously close to excessive sweetness. And yet, all of those things I’ve just listed are natural whole grains, vegetables, or fruits.

I charge you: Is a chocolate chip a fruit?

This leads me to one conclusion: the chocolate muffin is a deceitful ruse. This supposed breakfast food is nothing other than a cupcake without its frosting.

But Joan! you might cry; a cupcake is not a breakfast food!

No indeed. A cupcake is not.

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