Get Ready for Surprise Guests (Those Assholes)

Ho-ho-ho! Are your holidaze almost over, Dear Readers? I just sent Mr. Crackpot out with seven bags of trash from our adventures, and, as he was stuffing them into the dumpster, I received a phone call informing me that we have guests coming for lunch because– surprise! –they’re in town!

Lawd help us! The visitors won't stop!
Lawd help me! Assholes are coming over for lunch!

A few years ago my instinct would have been to fake a flu or emergency plumbing situation to keep them the hell out of my house, but since then I’ve learned some tricks for quick clean-ups for unexpected visitor situations. Here are my top five. Merry Whatever and Happy New Year!

Betty Crackpot’s Top Five Cleaning Tips For Surprise/Asshole Holidaze House Guests

  1. Your bathtub can do wonders. Stuff it with the 12 loads of laundry yet to be done. Close the shower curtain. Tada!
  2. Those dirty dishes will look great in your oven. Order lunch to avoid appliance usage. Stick with festive paper plates. (The environment will understand this once.)
  3. Close your blinds — the weeds in the backyard will disappear magically.
  4. Remember that your couch can hide random socks.
  5. Febreeze, motherfuckers.

Of course, if the surprise visitors are really unbearable you can always turn off all the lights and hide in aforementioned dumpster.

Yours Until the Timer Dings,

Betty Crackpot

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