I did y’all a huge solid and watched all 2.5 hours of the Grammys – you’re welcome. Let’s get started shall we?
The show starts out with AC/DC. I skipped over their performance. Seeing so many old white dudes writhe onstage in self-satisfaction oogs me out. I’m sure they are talented and stuff, but it’s not my thing.
LL Cool J opens the show with some inspirational words about the power of music. He looks great, but now we should talk about the real star of the show, LL Cool J’s pinky ring. I mean that thing was hogging all the shine.
Taylor Swift trolled us all for calling her Gumby by wearing another, even Gumby-er dress to present best new artist. Sam Smith won, and we heard a sound byte of “Stay with Me” for the first time of the night. If you’re drinking, you should take a sip/shot/whatever every time we hear this song.
So Anna Kendrik walks up to introduce Ariana Grande and her walk-up music is Usher’s “Good Kisser.” I see what you did there Grammys. Anna Kendrik just does not seem like she would be a kisser to me though. Ariana Grande sung a boring ballad very prettily. Can’t hate on her though because she was rocking that flawless cat eye. The flyest cat eye I’ve seen in a long while.
Don’t forget to tweet @LLCoolJ! Man I need to scour those mentions for some heinous tweets, cause I know y’all were up to no good.
Some rich white people donated enough money to request their favorite song performed by literally anyone, and it was Tom Jones and Jessie J. Now, Jessie J is immensely talented, and I’m sure Tom Jones was all that back in the day, but watching the two of them sing such a romantic and intimate song together… especially while Jessie J was wearing… what she was wearing… well the whole thing just made me super uncomfortable. But those rich white trustees got their money’s worth, so I guess that’s good?
Pharrell won best Pop Solo, which I think was well-deserved. I hate that they played the shutup music on him. He should have had that moment. Even when he fucks up, I adore this man.
I skipped Miranda Lambert but then went back and watched half of it cause the crowd’s reaction was so crazy. She’s definitely more talented than Blake Shelton. Stop panning to his stupid face. They are married, we get it.
Best Pop Vocal Album went to Sam Smith. Take a drink, they played a clip of “Stay with Me.” You’d think if he was winning an award for an entire album, they could sample another song? Like Latch? Latch is flawless. He’s cute and goofy and super talented, but I’m sick of this clip already.
LL Cool J steps in with some inspirational quotes about music and following your dreams. Keep doing you, LL.
Holy shit I didn’t know Kanye had 57 Grammy nominations?! That’s insane to me. Wow. His performance of “Only One” brought me to tears. I had heard the song before, which I thought was beautiful at the time, but watching him perform it live made me love it even more. It’s so clear the love he has for his mom and his daughter. Gorgeous.
It’s our bitch, Madonna! She made me call her that.
Madonna has reached a new low. Speech before a song is super played out, but someone else having to power ballad over your painfully bad autotune is really sad. I can’t even believe she needed to lip-sync this joke of a song. Her performance reminded me of a parody of Marlene Dietrich’s tour when she was in her 70s. Just stop, Madonna. You’re filthy rich, just go retire somewhere and make some room for actual talent. Even Miley Cyrus ain’t here for you.
Fergie’s hubs and two NFL dudes present…ROCK STUFF! Beck won. Ok. He is so boring I couldn’t even get mad at the shut up music.
Best R&B Performance went to Queen Bey and Jay Z for “Drunk In Love,” which, duh! The Queen claimed her award by herself, looked flawless*** and shouted out the Beyhive. This woman can do no wrong in my eyes. She even had a dedicated train fixer on the red carpet. Amazing.
Ed Sheeran did a medley with a bunch of people. John Mayer is much less annoying to me when he’s playing guitar and not singing lead. Please tell me you peeped Taylor Swift Dance Cam™ where she clearly didn’t know the words to “Evil Woman.” I guess I can’t judge. I thought the song was called “Medieval Woman” until I googled it just now.
Ryan Seacrest walked out to Iggy Azalea & Charlie XCX’s “Fancy,” which… yeah that works. He introduced Gwen Stefani and human puberty voice squeak Adam Levine and they literally just wailed “YEAH YES YES YEAH” for 5 minutes. Light crew during this song got really into the YEAHs. Blinding me with that shit.
Hozier sang “Take Me to Church” in flawless baritone, curls, and I was super into it.
The Weeknd would have been a much more exciting performance than the one he introduced, but oh well, Pharrell also tried the spoken word thing before his song, and even mirrored the same sayings in multiple languages. You’re trying too hard Pharrell!
I’m a hot air balloon that could go into space.
I don’t get what he’s wearing, I don’t get the performance, and this light crew needs to stop beating me over the head with their creative interpretations. We get it. Yellow is a happy color.
Obama steps in with his PSA against sexual assault, which I’m all for, but the delivery was kinda like, “Hey musicians! Stop rape with your culture powers!” I’m still on the fence.
Katy Perry sang some song about her breakup with Russell Brand against some weird Peter Pan shadows gone wrong. Snooze. Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett killed it with “Dancing Cheek to Cheek.” I think this is my favorite character Gaga has ever played. This style of music clearly suits her, and they can sing romantic songs together in a way that is not creepy. You go, Lady Gaga.
Rihanna brought her A game with her performance of “FourFiveSeconds” along with Kanye and Paul McCartney. Her vocals were totally on point, and they all looked fly as hell in those power suits. I peeped you fall though, boo.
White people must have just been obsessed with “Stay with Me.” Now he’s performing it with Mary J. Blige. This is like the 5th or 6th time we’ve heard this song by now, and I am OVER IT.
Prince… Prince is just like a demigod at this point. Everyone goes crazy and he’s like, “Yeah I know, right? I’m Prince.” He shouts out #BlackLivesMatter and I’m so glad he did. Album of the Year goes to… Beck? Over Beyoncé? Seriously? Oooookay. Kanye did a “Imma let you finish” fakeout that totally had Jay Z horrified.
Beck handled it well. He also put me to sleep for the second time this evening. Bey was robbed, but it’s okay. Let little Beck have this moment. He hasn’t seen any airplay since 1996. I’ll let him have this one.
Sia brought my girl Maddie Ziegler back along with a surprisingly great Kristen Wiig for “Chandelier.” I didn’t imagine Kristen Wiig would be as great as she was, but I was into it. Maddie is just shining so bright. Sia killed it on vocals, as she always does. Song of the Year went to… you guessed it. Sam Smith for “Stay with Me.” That’s like eight times now, in case you were wondering. I personally think Sia should have taken this one. She is amazing.
At some point, Stevie Wonder came in and completely destroyed a harmonica solo at the end of Usher’s performance. For such a limited instrument, I can always tell when Stevie Wonder is playing the harmonica. This man is just a living legend. He’s probably the most talented male vocalist of all time, in my estimation. Then he came out with Jamie Foxx (where’s your new music bae? I miss you!) and they had a cute banter. I stan for both of them. They introduce Record of the Year and it’s “Stay with Me.” At this point I’m about to throw my laptop against the wall because I am so sick of this damn song. I mean it’s good and everything but holy shit y’all. Only so much a girl can take!
They pan to Jay Z and I wonder “where is Bey?” Oh, that’s right. Just getting ready backstage for the MOST AMAZING PERFORMANCE EVER. Watching Beyoncé sing gospel just does something to me. She was literally shaking she was feeling that music so hard. I just… what is there to say? She is incredible. After bringing the house down (show could have ended here), she introduced John Legend and Common performing “Glory,” which was great. All Common’s interpretive gesticulating made me wish he was just signing in ASL. Can’t win ’em all.
At the end of the show, they decided they hadn’t QUITE listened to enough “Stay with Me,” so they shouted out their sponsors as the clip rolled for the millionth time.
Aside from being the Sam Smith show, the Grammys were… pretty good? Igloo Australia didn’t win anything, which, thank goodness. My favorite photo from the Grammys didn’t come out until the next day, but as an added bonus please watch the radiance that is Rihanna and Blue Ivy having a kiki backstage.
I’m still dreaming about that pinky ring tho.
Image Credit: Getty Images